The Guest List

I pondered how best to describe the motley crüe -excuse me, "crew"- who will be attending, and ultimately I figured a list would be the best way to go. I'd like to point out that I do not have a problem with anyone on here, and actually like them all. I'm just calling 'em like I sees 'em. And praying none of them ever sees this.

Actually, perhaps it is best to start with the people who will not be attending.

• Joe: Joe is the groom's first cousin, and Jill's ex-boyfriend from high school. Joe will not be attending because Joe is in jail for a violent crime.
• Luis: Luis is one of the groom's very good friends. He was also Joe's codefendant, that is until he pled guilty and testified against Joe in exchange for a lesser sentence. Luis is out. Joe is not. Joe's family will be at the wedding. Luis will not.

And those individuals who will be present (unless noted, all attended our high school).

• Phil: A rare upstanding individual (seriously), Phil testified against Joe, though not necessarily because he wanted to. Joe's younger brother, who is widely considered a chip off the old block, will be attending and is apparently not a huge fan of Phil's. This is one of multiple potential conflagrations amongst the wedding guests. Also of note is that Phil dated Katie for many years, and they in fact lived together at one point. Then she cheated on him and sent the other guy naked pictures. Did I mention the other guy is from the same town as the rest of us?
• Katie: See above. Katie is bringing her boyfriend Timothy, who is not from our high school. The first time she introduced him to us, before they had gotten together, she warned us prior to his arrival that she thought he was gay. They are now approaching the one year mark together.
• Becky: Though interesting in her own right, Becky will be attending with her boyfriend Sean, who bears far more discussion. Sean is signifcantly older than Becky and the rest of us, though I could not say exactly how much. Some of the girls in the group find this "icky" (I don't know if they used that particular word, but considering how juvenile they've been about it, they might as well have). I like Sean. The problem is, Sean has stated with no uncertain terms that he is going to fight Derek, one of the groomsman. Why? Because of something Derek posted on MySpace.
• Derek: Sean is a pretty tough dude, and ordinarily I'd be concerned. Except that Derek is about 6'4, 250, and I think I'm being conservative on the weight. Though I believe he has since stopped, he used to compete in bodybuilding competitions. Derek was campaigning for us all to get the master suite at the hotel, complete with 20 person hot tub. I told people that this was probably so he could bang his girlfriend with everyone there. I also told Derek that I believed this to be true. He did not in any way deny it. Just to illustrate the interconnectedness of the group, it's also worth pointing out that Derek at one point had a restraining order against Joe.
• Jill: I don't even know what to say. For scheduling reasons, she's bringing her friend Alex instead of her boyfriend. I like them both, but Alex is much quieter and has a nearly zero percent chance of causing trouble. Not that Brett would; in fact I sincerely doubt it. Not altogether impossible though.
• My sister: No comment. Just safer that way. Actually I guess my only comment is a loud, lamenting sigh.
• Dan: I was glad to hear Dan was coming. He was in my graduating class in high school (I'm two years younger than Pam and Paul), and was a genuinely good guy. Partied and all, but was a smart kid, VP of the class, and just a nice dude. I ran into someone from high school recently. We chatted about classmates we'd seen recently. He said, "I saw Dan...he's turned into a giant cokehead." Fuck. I mean seriously, fuck.
• Jen: Jen is another bridesmaid. After she was appointed bridesmaid, but before the shower, there was an extended period during which she and the bride were not speaking (I guess "they were done," hahahaha), largely due to Jen's blatant and extreme drug use. I don't know if it was true or not, just what I heard. I guess things are better now, or they're ignoring the problem, or it was blown out of proportion in the first place. My guess is "D," all of the above. She's bringing her husband; I don't know his name, which I guess doesn't really matter since I'm making those all up anyway. My sister told me I should like him because he smokes a lot of weed. Apparently, he also talks freely about his past lives, but "he probably won't do that around people he doesn't know."
• Me: I graduated from a nice college in four years. I have a nice white-collar job where I sit miserably in a cubicle. Most of my friends come from similarly traditional backgrounds. Among them is my date, one of my best friends. We will make a very nice looking pair (okay, so she'll be great looking, I'll settle for nice) of normal, middle-class Americans. I have no idea what the fuck we're doing there.